So I'm going to talk about something that I've never talked about on XO Panda before.
I created XO Panda as a way to create an identity for myself outside of a relationship that I was previously in, let's call him 'A'. I loved 'A' but I was never in love with him. Truth be told, towards the end of the relationship I kind of resented him for NOT being the person that I was *still* in love with, we'll call him 'R'.
Another truth is that I'm going to be in love with 'R' for the rest of my life. No question about it. I'm a cynic, and as a cynic something like love at first sight is utter bullshit, right? Right! (Or so I thought) Until it happened to me.
It happened eight years ago. I remember the date, I remember what he was wearing, I remember the time of day. I remember seeing those brown eyes and automatically knowing that I loved him. I didn't know his name, but I knew he was my soulmate. A better way to put it is, as soon as I saw 'R', my soul kind of went, "Oh there you are! I've been looking for you!"
Actually, I remember a lot of small details like that about our relationship, but I also remember the tremendous pain that I went through when he told me he had decided to move to Arizona to be closer to his kids. You see, the relationship was a little controversial, per se. He's 10 years older than me. I've always been comfortable around older people because my own sister is 11 years older than me. He was separated from his wife and had two kids.
The reason I bring all this up is because I subscribe to The Daily Love E-mails from Mastin Kipp, and had read this particular article, "Are you making a traumatic event your identity?" when it hit me.
7 years later, here I was still being the victim. I hadn't moved passed the heartbreak that 'R' caused me. I had relationships after him but I never allowed myself to fully fall for those people. My heart was still reserved for him. For 7 years, my identity has been the heartbroken girl too afraid to let other people get too close.
I read something on Saturday that asked, "How do you know when you're in love?" and a person had responded with, "You aren't scared of being alone. You are just scared about not being with them for the rest of your life." which really summed up the way I had been feeling about 'R' for the last 7 years. I've kind of taken myself out of the dating game since July 2010 because I'm not looking for what everyone else is looking for. I've found what everyone else is looking for and I feel that if I start dating somebody, they're wasting their time being with me while they could be off finding their "one" because I already found mine, and in my head, it was just a matter of time that we would come back together.
I'm starting to feel like this post is going all over the place so I end it there. Maybe I'll talk about it again some time, once I get all my thoughts together. That's where I am emotionally in terms of romantic relationships. I need to not be the victim of Love, and maybe hopefully one day I can feel something similar to what I feel for 'R', for someone else or maybe our story continues later down the road. Who knows? Nobody.